Diary, January 2022
Jan 1: Got winded while folding load of laundry. It was a big load. But still. Mentally, chalked it up to champagne hangover. Physically, failed to justify this new rock bottom.
Jan 3: Received snail mail advertisement from a gym nearby, opening soon.
Jan 4-11: Thought real hard about what to do. Turns out, writing and working out have something in common. Spending my days not doing them comes easy to me.
Jan 12 am: Cancelled $9.99/month Hulu plan and joined gym for $10.61/month. Gym color scheme was a real hangup. Purple and yellow. Eggplant-emoji purple. And those-plastic-guards/cases-that-go-around-phone-pole-cables-that-connect-the-phone-pole-to-the-ground yellow. Ultimately, got over the color scheme sins due to the fact it was nearest to my house.
Jan 12 pm: Used only the elliptical at first visit to gym. That way, I could watch other people use all the other machines, so I would know how they worked.
Jan 13: Noticed fellow gym-goer wearing a mesh tank top with the words, “Whose Your Natty?” on it. The only “Natty” references I know are: 1) Natural Light Beer (a popular beer for fraternity parties); and 2) Fat Naturals or Fat Natties (meaning large, natural breasts). Either way, the most offensive thing about it was the misspelling of who’s.
Jan 14: There are 32 TVs in the purple and yellow gym. They’re lined up, one right next to the other, hanging on the front wall. They’re numbered, 1-7, repeated four times. Then, only 1-4 on the far-right few. This poor spacial planning irrationally drives me crazy. During my 30 minutes on the treadmill, I saw four Popeyes commercials, three Domino’s commercials, two Wendy’s commercials, and a beer ad featuring Snoop Dogg, who is public about not drinking beer. Went to Popeyes after work out. Didn’t feel bad about it because if you count the TVs, I actually saw 16 Popeyes commercials. And usually, it only takes one to convince me to take action.
Jan 17: Pretty sure lady behind check-in desk can see the future. While scanning my pass upon entry, she told me everything about myself without saying a word. Just looked at me like “another person getting a gym membership in January, great. Do me a favor and give up now instead of in February so we can have more kettle bell space.”
Jan 20: Starting to recognize familiar faces. Refused the urge to strike up conversation after learning my lesson on Day Three. While the fourth Popeyes commercial played, I tried to make nice with my elliptical neighbor by verbally rolling my eyes at the purple and yellow color scheme, assuming any rational health-seeking human would be in on the joke. They were not.
Jan 22: Getting good at fast math again. For instance, I could tell you, without the calculator on my phone, that when my machine strikes 2:37, I have exactly 27 minutes and 23 seconds left on it. Or approximately 11.5 more times of what I have already accomplished.
Jan 23: Realized I went to the purple and yellow gym today for the sole purpose of collecting material to write about. Wondered if why I was doing it had any effect on the benefits of what I was doing. Ultimately concluded I would be spited by the fitness gods for not working out for the purposes of physical or mental growth and left early.
Jan 25: Really believed I would make it to the purple and yellow gym. Decided on 10 push-ups before bed.
Jan 26: Feared I was using too much of the provided sanitary spray to wipe down machines. Used full five pumps after treadmill session and felt like fellow gym-goers clocked it. Are they turning on me? Fear subsided quickly due to larger fear of COVID.
Jan 29: Saw “Whose Your Natty?” guy again wearing same “Whose Your Natty?” tank. After an especially hard day of not writing, seeing this turned out to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Calmly, I climbed off the elliptical, went over to the sanitary station, aggressively sprayed 17 pumps onto the paper towel, and proceeded to slam the wet wad into the trash as hard as I could. “Who is!” I shouted toward the Natty guy. “Who IS your natty! Who’s!” He looked lost. I left the purple and yellow gym feeling like I had just accomplished my most intense workout yet.
Feb 3: Cancelled purple and yellow gym membership after hearing rave reviews of Only Murders in the Building and The Great.