The NonSmoke Break
Unfortunately, not many people smoke anymore. So few people smoke, in fact, that when asked if one does smoke, there’s a fifty-fifty chance the inquiry is not referring to tobacco. And vaping is the equivalent to drinking your vegetables. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Not a USB port. Thus, this article dismisses vaping all together.
I once tried to start smoking. It didn’t take. I was in college, working the only terrible job I’ve had in my life. And so I hatched a plan to become a smoker. The kind of plan only a college student can attack with such precise vigor. Similar plans included: how many hours do I have to work to afford three cases of beer, how bad can I do on the final exam and still have a decent overall grade, how many times can I hit snooze and still make it to class one minute early.
Here was my thought process for smoking. Five minutes per cigarette. A pack (20 cigarettes) a day. Say 10 during work hours. That’s 50 minutes away from my desk. Not bad.
The plan crumbled. And I found efforts put toward finding a more tolerable job were slightly easier than trying to get addicted to cigarettes. Though, I’m still an advocate for smoke breaks.
Thus, I submit a new concept to policy-makers. The NonSmoke Break. COVID-19 has and will continue to change many aspects of the nine-to-five. So it’s the perfect time to introduce another amendment. I am uniquely qualified to pitch such an endeavor, as writers are professionals at finding new ways to not write. The following outlines ideas for NonSmoke Breaks. You may choose one that works best for your company culture. Or feel free to invent your own.
The Five Minute Party
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana clocks in right around five minutes. So every hour, on the hour, this song will be played, company wide, signaling to employees they may put down their headsets and break until the end of the song. Bonus points for those who install smoke machines throughout the (home) office. A subtle nod to the inspiration for this idea, as well as added ambience.
The Pencil Pass
Employees will be allowed to step outside at any time as long as they have a pencil (or similarly shaped item) lodged between their pointer and middle fingers. No need to enforce actually sucking on the thing. Just be sure to encourage people to stand at least 20 feet from the building while they contemplate life during these breaks.
The Dumpster Fire
In the middle of the office, install an oil barrel. Then, start giving employees a fresh pack of playing cards every day. Between meetings, employees may stop by the barrel to light cards on fire and toss them into the barrel. Those with fewer meetings will undoubtedly run out of cards the quickest. They may ask to bum cards from others. But don’t worry about any further policy about how often one can bum. Unspoken rules will keep peace in the halls.
Save Up Your NonSmoke Time
On average, there are 260 work days in the year. That’s 13,000 minutes of NonSmoke Breaks. Or 9 days. Employees will be allowed to save up their NonSmoke Breaks for extra vacation days. These days may only be spent standing outside of dive bars. And of course they don’t roll over after the calendar year. This one’s especially great because it can be layered into any of the aforementioned policies.