Please Don't Call Me After Reading This
I am the only person who still calls people. I didn’t know this until recently. A friend told me, of course while we were talking on the phone, that I was his only friend who he talks with on the phone.
“That’s weird,” I said. “I talk to all my friends on the phone.”
So I asked another friend and then another and then another, “Am I the only person you talk to on the phone?”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
Though it’s clear to me now that I am the outlier, I am not the weird one here. You are.
When I got a cell phone in high school, texting was already the preferred way to communicate. Mostly because you could get away with it. I used to be able to maintain eye contact with teachers while typing a text T9 style under the desk. Which is exactly what adults do now. Just under a conference room table instead of a desk. Which is exactly why texting is inferior to phone calling. It’s passive communication. One does not have to listen while one is texting. Phone calls are active. One must listen and respond in real time.
The other reason texting doesn’t work is because you’re all terrible writers. None of my friends are good writers which is why they’re my friends. Every good writer I know is a terrible friend.
My rage was fueled after last year. Now, the video call is a thing. People want to schedule FaceTimes and Zooms and Teams Meetings. These are the same people who are afraid of phone calls. They went from texting to video chatting. What’s that about? There is a massive difference between phone calls and video calls. I don’t have to shower before a phone call.
I rest my case.
In the unlikely event you are moved by the aforementioned to start making phone calls, there are three things you should know.
One. I only have five friends. Many folks will quickly shrug this statistic off. Oh, don’t be silly, you have more than five friends. I don’t. And I don’t think it’s a sad fact. I simply have higher standards for friendship. And at this standard, I cannot handle more than five relationships. I only call people who I enjoy talking to. Conversations that actually fuel my energy and thoughts. These are deep relationships. The conversation never starts with, “What’ve you been up to?” Or, “How’s life?” These questions are stupid and difficult to answer. These are questions for people who are not your friends. And for them, a simple text will do.
My last phone call started this way.
Her: “Hello.”
Me: “I’ve lost all sense of time and days. Do you wear a watch?”
Two. I only call when I have an agenda. On average, I talk to each of my friends for about an hour once a month. To me, this is ideal. It is enough down time to develop interesting things to talk about. For instance, before I dialed a friend yesterday, I knew I wanted to ask them about time, middle management, micro dosing, dating apps, and phone calls. We talked about much more than this, but any time a topic would reach its final layer, I had another one ready.
Three. It is necessary to say "goodbye" only once before hanging up.